A reverse in the journey today!

Dear Ones,

I need to share with you that I've learned a hard lesson and God has brought me to my knees!! I've been walking through the "fire" since I wrote last week. Aug. 24th....even after a week since my last fill up (Aug. 17th). I have been cutting back to 2 pain pills a day, 12 Ibuprofen and a sleeping pill.... and I'm in pain! It's like a knife cutting under my arm. The expander feels like it it's rubbing me raw. So Dr. Baker had me come in today to do a "reverse" by TAKING OUT 50 cc's out of each side today to relieve the pressure. Never would have thought I'd be in reverse!

I'm humbled and embarrassed to admit my thoughts about anti-depressants and people who took them!! God's teaching me a lesson to NEVER judge anyone needing antidepression meds. I pray I've learned this lesson and can some how help others who might have chronic pain.

Until Sunday I had never admitted the possiblilty I could be depressed... and even had trouble getting my mind around it that I was depressed! Is that foolish pride or what? Lord forgive me!!

Two things happened to help me realize I needed help. First, my sister Linda had a friend in St. Louis who went through this 20 yrs ago. For several weeks Linda had been encouraging me to talk to Joni. Oh my goodness....I wish I had sooner. While taking with Joni....I heard the words..."the best thing that helped me with the pain was an antidepressant"!!

Then Sunday evening, I dropped an e.mail to Dr. Mindy Haws ....a sweet family friend who is a plastic surgeon in Nashville. She e.mailed me back yesterday morning. I asked her if she thought (I was going to ask my plastic Dr. here in Denver today when I went in) an antidepressant might help and explain I really didn't like the idea of taking them. Her comment did help me look at it differently. She said...you know you never expected God to alleviate your pain , ( I do know He could) with out the help of medication. We all give lip service to depression/anxiety being a medical or physiological problem yet when it comes time for help, it's typical to say "Not me, I don't need that." The same person who would never turn down insulin if they were a diabetic or pain pills, if they hurt, will fight medications for physchologial imbalance. She said....being a positive thinking person has nothing to do with what your brain levels of serotonin are or how they are affected by a general anesthetic, bilateral mastecomies, and 2 months of constant pain and narcotic use. So today Dr. Baker gave me a prescription for Zoloft. Thanks Mindy for helping me to understand that!

Next time you are talking with God about us... please pray:
1.That the Zoloft can help with the pain.
2. That I don't have to see a pain Dr...... Dr. Baker want's me to see one if I can't make it on the Percocet I have now.....have enough for 16 days at 2 per day.
3.That the next 21 days will fly by until my surgery.

It's hard to find better words to express to you how much each and everyone of you mean to us....the prayers, e.mails, cards and gifts help make life bearable.

I'm so blessed to have such an AWESOME LIFE MATE! Lloyd came in with roses for me this evening. This has been such a hard summer for him also....please keep whispering his name to God in your prayers too!!

Haley, our 8 year old granddaughter brought me some sweet gifts the other day....bought with her own money :} The sweetest one was a small ceramic bunny, that she had made and painted this summer! She had printed on her lined piece of paper and taped it to the bunny....ANGELS ARE WATCHING OVER YOU! That's what I always pray with them when they spend the night and are ready for bed. My heart was hugged by her sweet gift AND ESPECIALLY THE NOTE.... something that I will treasure forever!!What a blessing she is!

I have so missed being in the Lord's house on Sundays. Sunday my devotional was so special....a day I was really struggling...It was intitled "IS He Listening?" A part of it said:
When we pray, we may not see how God is working or understand how He will bring good though it all. So we have to trust Him. We relinquish our rights and let God do what is best.
We must leave the unknowable to the all-knowing One. He is listening and working things our His way! Not ours to know the reason why...Unanswered is our prayer....But ours to wait for God's own time....To lift the cross we bear.....When we bend our knees to pray....God bends His ear to listen....Dave Branon!!

I'm trusting God to use my life in the way He knows best!!

Trusting Him,
Donna

We have found the STOP sign on this Journey!!

Hello everyone,

I have to admit that other than May 18th. the day I learned I had cancer....I have had the worst days on this journey since Thursday...my last fill up ...until yesterday.

I have always thought of my self as a positive, goal setter, hard worker and "Katie bar the door" type person, that with God's help I could tackle any mountain!! I hate to admit it but this mountain has been more than hard to climb! I just love how God continues to put people in my life and His hugs and gudiance I find so often in His word and devotional!! A couple of days ago in the devotional it said....God may send you a load to carry ...But never an overload!!! What sweet assurance that He is with me!!

I have felt there must be something wrong with me because, from 2 special friends in the medical field......I was told that their patients only needed a Tynold for the pain after the "fill-ups". I thought I had a high pain tolerance......now thinking I must have lost it along the way!! On the Aug. 3rd "fill up" I was taking 5 Percocets per day. I was encourage to reduce the amount. With huge pain the next 2 weeks I had cut it back to 3 a day. Something must be wrong with this picture......my pain level was not a 'headache' type pain! I'm sure a big part of the problem was not resting enough.....but sometimes you just have to work!

When I went in Thur. 17th, my Dr. said he would only write a prescription for 2 Percocets a day...that I should 'tough it out". I know where his heart was....but I knew where the pain was and I was read to find some one to break into his office and steal a prescription pad!!! The thought didn't last too long!! The next 3 days were awful. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach physically and mentally. Thankfully Michele and Derek came up to help Lloyd at the resort so I could rest. They even had friends that were visiting them for the week-end, that came with them. They jumped in and do all kinds of things.

I was suppose to have 3 more fill-ups after last Thursday.....with them being 2 weeks apart ...then wait for a month before the next surgery.....my body was yelling STOP.....I can't stand the thought or pain of any more fill-ups! My sister Linda, along with other family members were saying..... stop! Linda's comment was...."Surely everyone can tell you are a girl by now"!! Won't be any "Dollies" here....(never planned on it)....but hopefully sis....they will know I'm a girl!! Tee Hee!

So........ I called the Dr. yesterday morning and told him I was done. I explained how horrible the pain was while "toughing it out". He agreed that now was a good time to stop!! He has agreeded to work with me with a few more pills so I can get to the end! I'm scheduled Sept. 19th to take these "bear traps" off my chest and put the implants in!! That will be the second time in my life that I'm looking forward to surgery!!! (The other was the day of surgery to find out if the cancer was contained!! Thank you Lord that it was.

I'm still struggling with only 3 pills a day.....but mentally knowing I don't have to endure more 'fill-ups".....I have more strength just knowing there is a light at the end of this tunnel!! Michele is coming tomorrow to "catch me up" in the office'!! I'm doing the minimum each day....she is such a blessing.

Other good news.....if all goes well....we can still spend a few days back in Il. with family and friends before we head to Tx.

Well it's getting late...almost 9...my bed is calling for me!! Want to share with you a scripture verse God had waiting for me today. It's from a book called...Joy for a Woman's Soul....Promises to Refresh Your Spirit. (indeed it does)!! It is a gift from special friends Ken and Carol Smith and Wanda who take care of the Rockmount Cottages just up the street from us!! You will see the scripture below! By the way....if we are full here at Idlewilde....Rockmount is a great place to stay on the Big Thompson River!! :}

Praying angels around each of you tonight and in the days ahead!!

Loving Him and each of you,
Donna

I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. The will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, "They are my people," and they will say, "The LORD IS OUR GOD"!!

Always look for the positive!!

Just needed to share this with you. My sister Linda called me yesterday morning. I don't want to make light of the event.....but she said the TV has just told the story of a woman in middle east in the war whose life was saved because her implants kept her from being killed from the shrapnel!!! Wow...never thought of having body armor!!

tomorrow (17th) is another fill up day...thanks for your continued prayers. God must be hearing our names often.

My sweet friend Elizabeth Stone sent a note and I loved the verse below that she included:

I Corinthians 1:9 (Amplified Bible) "God is faithful---reliable, trustworthy and (therefore) ever true to His promise, and He can be depeneded on: by Him you were called into companionship and participation with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." ...thanks Elizabeth for the reminder!!

Blessing for you dear ones,
Donna

God is hitting me over the head!!

Hello dear ones,

I couldn't believe my devotional today..."Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." Mark 6:31......Is that a message for me or what???? How could I not see some plans need to change!!

After discussion with hubby.....we have made some different plans.....We may have to stay here a couple or 3 weeks after we close (Oct 15). I don't have the option for complete rest...but will take longer in 'blowing them up" and then have to wait for 3 or 4 weeks after the last "blow up" to do the surgery.... and possibly after we close... to remove the expanders and put in the "new boobs"!!

One sad thing....we probably won't get to come to IL. for our fall visit.....we will head to Tx. from here. We have a family trip Nov. 11th for a week in condos near Cancun with our daughters, their hubbys and 4 special grandkid!! This puppy is going to really rest then.....find a chair under a palm tree and crash!!

We might possibly make a trip home some time later in Nov. to visit family. For you that don't know us and just found my blog....we are owner/managers (with our daughter Michele and hubby Derek), of Idlewilde By the River in Estes Park, Co. (www.idlewilde.net). We are originally from Il. and have a home there... where we try to spend a month before we open and a month after we close the resort. Then we are snow birds and head to Sun City in Georgetown, Tx. for the winter. We move 4 times a year....keeps life exciting!!

On the lighter side....the one positive thing I'm looking for.....when I'm 105 yrs of age....I'll be wishing I could see the expression on the undertakers face when he sees these 2 perky boobs. Tee Hee!! Searching for as much positive as I can!!!

Of course....really I want to say...I'M BLESSED!! They caught it early and were able to get all the cancer and I don't have to have radiation or chemo. GIRLS...IF YOU ARE 40 YRS YOUNG...BE SURE TO DO YOUR MAMMOGRAMS! NEVER. NEVER. MISS DOING THAT!! MINE WAS NOT A LUMP OR MASS AND I WOULD NEVER HAVE FOUND IT WITH OUT THE MAMMOGRAMS!!!

Keep whispering in God's ear... Lloyd's and my name.....I look forward to the day when the prayers won't be necessary!! Your prayers are holding us up through these days!!

Hope great and awesome things are happening in your journey!!

Blessings for you dear ones,
Donna

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine! Isaiah 43:1
(What a sweet promise....claim it!!!)

Resting in God's Promises

Good Morning Dear Ones,

I cancelled my appointment today for the next "fill up"! I'm reminded by severval of my friends that are in the medical fields to "LISTEN TO YOUR BODY"!! Well I'm taking their advice and waiting until the 17th for the next 'fill up" because the body is yelling "Yikes"!!

This is suppose to be a true story of my journey....and I hate to admit it....but this has been much more of a challenge than I could have every dreamed. I've now realized I will have pain until this journey is complete! I'm thankful to know that some gals don't have this much pain. So gals..if you reading this journal and about to go through the same surgery....take heart!! I must confess that there are 2 main reasons for so much pain. We have a deadline to complete this journey by Oct. 15 when we close the resort and leave Co....plus I'm trying to keep up with the office work and not resting enough.....but sometimes there aren't other options. It was such a blessing that Michele was here yesterday and coming back today and Sat. It's a relief to be caught up again!!

When I get discouraged....God put's dear people in my life, special songs or awesome devotional...like the one that I read today. It's written by Joni Eareckson Tada:

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Matthew 10:26-33

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father."

English sparrows. They're worth barely a penny (Jesus said so). Yet of the world's nine thousand bird species, the Master singled out the least-noticed and most insignificant of birds to make a point.

If God takes time to keep tabs on every sparrow...who it is, where it's going, whether its needs are being met...then surely he keeps special tabs on you. Intimately. Personally. And with every detail in mind.

The Bible may point to eagles to underscore courage and power, and it may talk about doves as symbols of peace and contentment. But God's Word reserves sparrows to teach a lesson about trust! Just as God tenderly cares for a tiny bird, even making note of when it is harmed, or when it falls to the gournd, he gently reminds you that he is worthy of your greatest trust, your deepest confidence.

Dear ones....I know each and every one of you who are reading this note, has hearts that are hurting, or pain of illness, or family challenges... or some thing that is hard to carry. We all can know that God sees and knows are heart aches and our tears. Make a plan today to see all the "everyday" blessings God is sending your way! I'm watching also ....and may times my mouth drops open and I just simply think....."only God"!!!!

My prayer request would be for Lloyd....He's carrying so much of the load here. He sleep 12 hrs last night...Exhausted. I know it's horrible for him to see me in such pain and not able to change it. He's such a take charge person and always jumps at a chance to "fix thing"...there just isn't an instant fix for me! He's such a sweetheart!! I'm so blessed to hav him as my life mate!

Please continue the prayers for wisdom for me with the drugs....I have dropped 2 percocets these last few days...just using 3 to make it through and lots of Ibuprofen.

Need to sign off and get busy...the day holds much!!

Joyfully His,

Donna

Phil. 4:19 Remember you are not left alone. You will have the help you need. "My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus"!! (AWESOME)!!

1/2 fill up yesterday

Dear Special Loved Ones,

I didn't write yesterday because I was hoping to feel bette before I sent a note today.

Please continue the prayers.....I'm struggling with the pain and trying to scale back on the pergocet and replace it with muscel relaxer.....huge trouble getting the pain manageable. Pray for wisdom for me and to know which advice I'm receiving is best for me!

Love ya,
Donna